I'll Forever Hold Regrets
by Reincarnated
Summary: Katara and Aang discuss the possibility of children, but Katara's reluctance strains their relationship. News from a Fire Nation soldier turns everything upside down and Katara's life takes new burdens in the Palace. Katara/Aang


Chapter One

_It Would Hurt Too Much to Lose Them_

* * *

The cool ocean water breathed around the large Fire Nation ship as the coast of the South Pole lingered before it, a tiny dot in the endless blue oceans encompassing the four nations. At the bow, a short figure stood by the embracing rail of the craft. She wasn't tall, she wasn't strong-but a kind of strength was written into her character, a kind of regality in her posture, in the way she held her chin, and looked out over the ocean to the place to which they were destined.

That destiny should bring her here seemed fantastic and unreal, and as this thought raced across her mind, her cool composure was broken with subtle signs of excitement. Her slender fingers reddened with pressure, clasping tightly to the cool metal bar. Her face flushed with warmth, in disregard for the freezing temperatures of the southern country. There was life under her skin, a kind of youth that resurfaced from years of suppression, as thoughts of this place returned after years of absence from her reality.

She had had to bury this away to make room in her heart for the new identity she had agreed to take. She had abandoned the place of her origin. Dressed in a warm, deep red robe embroidered grandly with intricate patterns of gold, it would not have been easy to guess that she was from this humble community, that she was a waterbender – the very opposite of what she so often represented.

As the ship pulled into the harbor at the lower community of the South Pole, the woman's grip had intensified upon the steely rail. Piercing blue eyes searched the still, calm day, sparkling as they landed on a face she knew. It was altered; squarer, surer, stronger; but two years' distance could not extinguish ten years, even after all she had done to move on, and all she had done to forget.

He was her brother.

-

From where he stood in the lower community of the South Pole, Sokka spotted the girl standing at the head of the arriving Fire Nation ship. For a moment, he just watched her scan the slowly moving existence in the Southern Water Tribe. For a moment, he didn't realize.

And then her eyes met his own.

She was taller, her hair was longer. She wore it loose, in a style to more resemble the Fire Nation standards she had been living. Gone was the long, single braid she had carefully maintained in remembrance of their mother. For a moment, his heart hung suspended in his chest and a kind of force slowed the process of his brain.

There was a moment when he wondered. There was a moment when he feared she would not know him, and that he had lost her, too. A kind of darkness shaded his face. He was made instantly older by premature lines cast by this subtle, although powerful change. This was enough weight to at long last suffocate the rest of his heart broken heart.

-

The ship pulled into the harbor. There was a sudden busy rush on board as men prepared to dock the huge craft, and Katara lost sight of him. Her heart pounded heavily in her chest during the hour it took to dock. A sudden conflict had risen within her. Contradicting feelings and thoughts rushed like the waves against the tall, majestic ice cliffs she had grown up around. For that time, she was afraid.

And then the ramp was lowered, the deck had cleared. She gazed steadily down it to ice. She hadn't walked on ice for a long time. Her blood began to pulse strangely and she rejected reality, could not accept where she stood. Her mind went blank. She began to panic. And then something happened; and a habit she had long ago defeated rose into action.

She raced down the ramp, her shoes touched the ice, her feet remembered how to counteract the reduced friction and then she could see him, and her heart made another decision.

-

The ship had stilled. Katara was gone. He peered at the empty deck, unsure. And then someone hastened to embrace him. Any question that might have been raised in his heart was erased. Her returned her tight grip, and his throat strained painfully; because Katara was real. A tangible figure, no longer a memory as elusive as that sacred recollection of their mother.

-

His arms were comfortable and familiar; the same that had held her when the loss of their mother had been too strong to fight, that had offered shelter when life rained. The same that had always volunteered whatever love and support that they could as they both struggled with a lack of parental guidance and care. Tears sprung in her eyes, because he was her brother, because he was still there, as he has always been there.

"Sokka I'm so sorry about-" she began to whisper over his shoulder to his ear.

"Shhh. Let's talk about other stuff." Sokka interrupted. He broke their embrace, and he and Katara boarded the ship briefly to retrieve her trunk.

-

Katara slept fitfully that night, but it _couldn't_ have been Aang's absence that kept her wakeful. She hadn't gotten the privilege of becoming that used to sleeping at his side, a fact owed to his constant absence. She knew when she married him she would have to bear his being gone, but she married him anyway.

_"Aang-" she called, her heart pounding in her chest, a violent pulse coursing through her body. Her breath had quickened. What were these feelings? She was angry and frustrated – something was consistently keeping her back. _

_He had stopped, and from his place yards away he had turned to look at her. She saw the look in his eyes. It was one he had often given her that she had only recently begun to know, to recognize. To truly understand what he was thinking and how he was feeling as he looked at her that way. Something fluttered in her core, a kind of life a flame. _

_"I...I do love you." she said, her voice quavering. _

_There was that look still, forever devoted, and she knew he would wait for her, for this turmoil to pass. "I need to think – I just need to think." And she turned, and left him standing there._

She remembered the five days before she married him with the kind of fear that leaves traces in the hearts of dreamers when the woken from a nightmare. The thought that she had come so close to making the stupidest decision in her life sent chills up her spine. Phantom realities flickered in the darkness, realities of a life composed without this new, wonderful thing, without this substance, without her husband. And then she could see that it _was_ because she missed him, and because he was not here that she could not sleep that night.

-

Her next night in the South Pole was just as restless as the first; but having at last found peace through a long conference with her pen and paper, she quickly succumbed to sleep, leaving a single candle burning; and it flickered, casting rich orange tones dancing deftly on the page...

_It snowed this morning, a feature given this mournful day by a wise, all powerful hand. I watched for hours as complex, delicate little flakes floated down from that forever deep, perpetually gray sky. During the ceremony they landed softly in the fur lined coats of the villagers who had come out of sympathy for this young family that had sprouted that spring. Like a bud never given it's chance to truly bloom. _

_ It's just not fair, how life can be so fragile, and still be so commonly sustained. This whole idea, this experience – it's not fair and it doesn't make sense. _

_ I witnessed the unusually small casket lowered into the cold, steely ground. It was so wrong, so distorted and sick. This isn't a thing for a child. All day I kept thinking that somehow none of this was real. Death slipped into the wrong house, claimed the wrong life, and withdrew what nature did not give him right. _

_It did not seem physically possible for this day to end like the days before it, but the sun did set; and when the stars came out, they looked down on the Southern Water Tribe, indifferent to the absence of one shining, rosy, lovely face. The face of a niece I will never get to meet. _

_I did what I could to help. But I know that Sokka and Suki watched the sun sink on that dim, diluted day, keenly aware of the uncomfortable sensation that all was not well, that their daughter was not home, not sleeping safely in her bed. They are facing that universal _injustice_ of _death_, coping with the earthshaking phenomenon of _saying goodbye_ to someone who had gone, and yet _never left_. _

_I don't think I have the courage to have children. I don't think I can do it. _

It would hurt too much to lose them.

_I can't pretend I'm not afraid –_ I am.

* * *

**Author's Note:** I don't own any rights to Avatar: The Last Airbender, I have no affiliation with Nick -- this was written for my own enjoyment and not for profit or anything that could get me in trouble...

_That being said, I would like to hear any comments, critique, or ideas you have concerning this chapter! Please review. I'm thinking this will end up being rather long -- there will be more Kataangishness -- the story line is lovely --_

_I tried to take a strong start off of the ending of the series, I want to tell a love story, but I also want to remain true to Avatar and keep the story well-rounded in all the aspects of the show. I have several sub-plots and themes - I'm getting chills -- So excited!_


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